Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
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waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
the greatest twitter interaction
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Chicago sounds lovely.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.