Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes