FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
You Might Also Like
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Brilliant!
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late