I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Me checking my bank balance online.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
So true for me
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom