I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
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If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
What even happened today?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions