The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down