*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me :
All Day At Night
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT