I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
when nothing goes right… go left
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall