[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Bros before Ohioes
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.