Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy