Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
This is me
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
How high do the levels go?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough