worst…sale…ever
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Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Admin smashed it 😂
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas