People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds