The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You Might Also Like
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.