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She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Nomnomnomnom
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”