So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.