Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?