*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
A wise man once said nothing.