You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.