“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
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Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when