Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it