7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
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[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
What in the hipster hell is going on here
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.