You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
You Might Also Like
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Spring cleaning checklist…
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.