Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard