“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
You Might Also Like
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.