I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
You Might Also Like
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
What flavor cupcake are these
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.