[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Bruh PLEASE
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories