I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
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Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*