an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
You Might Also Like
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?