I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
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Jokes about communism aren鈥檛 funny unless everybody gets them
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
A ghost story
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
The three genders
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I鈥檓 trapped in a continuous loop
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.