To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Follow me for more life hacks.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.