My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse