like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
According to math, I’m broke
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.