thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
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I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
a public service announcement
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol