pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
You Might Also Like
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒