No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Maths meets science
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”