Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
The first matador
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad