Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
house sitting!
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.