Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on