I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial