We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
went fishing caught a bass
The Punning Dead.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.