The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Monday Lisa
Whoa 😂
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.