Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom