I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
courtroom exchange of the day
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”