I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me, flirting😏
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
those birds must be on payroll
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.