Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Plant care tips
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.