The point of your 20s
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Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
RT if you could go either way.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”