What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.