just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
me as a parent
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.