i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.